Thursday, 13 July 2017

Rediscovering My Why

Hi. It's been so long since I posted anything on this little corner of the Internet that I kind of nearly forgot my password and my blog no longer comes up when I type 'U' in to the search bar (I'm not crying, you are). It's funny to think that something that was such a big part of my life now sits in a metaphorical dusty corner, covered in cobwebs and feeling unloved but it wasn't planned, it just...happened.

In days gone by, this blog was something that brought so much joy and excitement and passion to my life. I remember days where I woke up excited to hit publish on a new post and felt so much freedom in having a place where I could share my thoughts on both everything and nothing all at the same time. But I also remember days where I would turn down plans because I had posts to write, nights where I sacrificed sleep to schedule tweets and times when I'd cry with frustration under hot photography lights as I tried (and failed) to take the perfect photo.  I know to an outsider it can sound pathetic. Like gurl if you ain't happy then close the laptop lid and walk the heck away. But being both stubborn and a perfectionist I found it hard to admit that not only was it not working, it also wasn't worth it.

That was, until I started working full time on placement at a Primary School as part of my degree. Soon enough, that level of intense blogging was no longer feasible as work piled up at school and although I'm sure there could have been a million ways to make it work, the fact that I didn't try any of them spoke loudly to me. I didn't want to. And having an excuse, a scapegoat if you will, seemed like the perfect chance to escape the pressures I had placed upon myself.

But during this time of radio silence I realised something (because after all, this is the year of 'like realising stuff'). I was allowing myself to miss out on life to stay at home and write about life. It sounds ridiculous but I do think, as a generation, many of us are guilty and can relate to times where we've been utterly consumed by our online presence. Like wasting hours of our days scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram then back to Facebook again or not fully being in the moment because we're desperately trying to document what's going on to post on social media.

My biggest problem was that I had lost my 'why'. Why was I doing this? Why am I writing about this topic? What do I want to achieve or portray or create? I soon fell in to an algorithmic way of thinking that I had to post 'x' amount of posts a week and they had to be a 'y' words long but there is absolutely nothing organic about that in the slightest. It's robotic and synthetic and manufactured. But most of all, it's speaking (or writing) for the sake, and I don't think anything special can come of that. When I look back at all of my favourite posts, they are the ones that I felt really passionate and enthusiastic about writing. The ones where the idea struck me in the night and made me feel like a creative genius as I blearily scribbled it down in a notebook beside my bed (ok that happened like once).

I think sometimes it's good to take a step back and remember the reason why we started doing the things we enjoy in the first place and slowly and tentatively I feel like I'm re-finding my why. And it might be here today and gone tomorrow, not to return for days, weeks or until I'm announcing my pregnancy or campaign for Prime Minister (whichever comes first). But to be true to myself, rediscover the joy and write things that I'm proud of - I'm not writing without a why. I'm not speaking for the sake. There's enough people on this planet who do that (*cough* Trump *cough*). So I guess you'll hear from me when I've got something else to say. I hope you'll stick around to listen x.

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Love Emma

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